Darkened Light is an epic tour-de-force of a book, an awakening for people who do not understand the mind of a manic depressive. In this book Susan explains the past hardships of her life. She has lived a true rollercoaster of a life with both periods of manic euphoria and periods of suicidal depression. Susan's language reflects her state of mind, illustrated with dozens of her own drawings and paintings; she describes in the minutest of details the thoughts that whirl around her head. Susan is obviously a very strong and brave woman - this is a strong and brave book.
About the Author
The pictures I have drawn for my book show my thoughts, feelings, emotions and sentiments. I describe myself as a dark, mysterious, secretive person. I have had thoughts that I might have been a Viking in a past life, I have tough, violent traits. Three psychiatrists have diagnosed me as suffering from bipolar depression. During my manic phases I overestimate my personal ability. I become deceitful; see a side to me that is manipulative and crafty. At these times I do not have a conscience. I want to be bad.
At other times I am overtaken by a great euphoria. I become obsessed about something; I have delusions about whatever I'm obsessive about. Thoughts and ideas preoccupy my mind and I lose touch with reality. I seem to paint more when I am manic, many of my pictures are similar or on a similar theme.
My good mood does not last very long. After a period of elation my mood goes downhill. I sleep more and comfort eat. I feel the need to be alone and I become withdrawn and isolate myself. I have suicidal thoughts.
I never understand why I feel depressed. I'm mentally and emotionally strong enough to be able to withstand anything life throws at me. After every thing I have been through I've never had a breakdown because I'm tough and have the inner strength to survive.
Social workers have decided what my needs are, they have labelled me as somebody who suffers from anxiety and needs help to learn how to interact with people. I have remained undamaged and unaffected by hardship, hard times and trauma.